Chapter 1 Chapter 1

My boyfriend Julian is a chess grandmaster, a genius. At sixteen, he became the youngest grandmaster in North American history. I gave him ten years of my life, but a ring was never on the table. But when he reached the pinnacle of his career and won the Grand Slam, he still refused to break the pact he'd made with his family about his career. "According to my plan, I'm not considering marriage or any other form of long-term commitment until all my goals are achieved." I didn't argue with him. I quietly packed his luggage for the World Championship and wished him the best. He had no idea that at the very moment he was lifting the championship trophy with the world watching, I was dragging my failing body to sign my own name on a euthanasia consent form. ... Before every tournament, Julian would turn his study upside down. He was the type to forget everything once he was focused on a chess game. He'd put on a jacket but forget his watch, or put on a shirt and forget to button it. Forgetting to eat or drink was even more common. And I was the one who followed behind him, picking up the pieces. His flight today was scheduled to depart at four in the afternoon. After packing Julian's essentials, I spent the rest of my time reorganizing the cluttered chess manuals and tournament materials on his bookshelves. The top shelf was covered in a thick layer of dust. As I gently swept it with a duster, I accidentally knocked a dark brown folder off the shelf. I had never seen it before. Knowing Julian's scatterbrained nature, I worried it might be something important he'd misplaced, so I opened it instead of putting it back. Eventually, I opened it. Inside was a neatly folded piece of paper, as thin as the medical report in my pocket. Julian's family was a chess dynasty that didn't allow personal relationships to interfere with a player's career. What I held in my hand was the pact Julian had written for his family seven years ago. If his goals were met, he would finally be free to settle down and start a family, as his parents expected. If his goals remained unfulfilled, he would never be sidetracked by romantic relationships. And Julian was his family's greatest prodigy, carrying the weight of their legacy. I suddenly understood why, after being with him since I was eighteen, a full decade, I had never received a promise of marriage. I used to think that if I could just immerse myself in his complex world of chess, I could finally understand him. Unfortunately, my own talents were limited. No matter how many times I replayed his games on the board late at night, I could never grasp the brilliance of his strategies. But now, seeing this slightly yellowed pact, I realized all my efforts had been for nothing. Julian always made meticulous notes on important documents. And on the last page of this pact, his entire life plan was written in black and white. Every single word had nothing to do with me. The date he signed this career pact was the spring we first met. It turned out the promise I had waited a decade for was never part of his plan to begin with. Now, I was dying. I no longer cared about a commitment of marriage or the title of a wife. The answer didn't matter anymore. I smiled to myself and got up to leave for the airport. When I arrived at the departure lounge, Julian was sitting alone on a sofa, reading a collection of chess games. He hadn't noticed me at all. I had seen this scene countless times over the past decade. I would always watch quietly as he immersed himself in the world of those chess pieces. He could remain completely focused even in a noisy public place. Most of the time, he would be scribbling dense notes in the margins. Whenever I saw that look of detached concentration on his face, I knew. I knew I wouldn't be able to say what was on my mind today, either. Not wanting to disturb him had become the norm in our relationship. I walked over quietly and sat down beside him. I placed an unwrapped wrist brace by his left hand and a protein bar by his right. When he looked up at me, I reached out and straightened his shirt collar. "The climate there is drier than here. Your skin is sensitive, so remember to turn on the humidifier at night.""And don't forget to eat. You have a bad stomach, you can't go hungry…" He finally looked up from his silence and cut me off. "Why are you so talkative all of a sudden?" I avoided his gaze. "So you won't have to call me in the middle of the night when you can't find something.""I signed up for a health retreat. I might be outdoors for a few days." Of course, that was a lie. This time, I wasn't sure if I would even be able to answer his call. Yesterday, I received the final treatment plan from the hospital. There were two paths before me. One was to live the rest of my life on a ventilator after surgery. The other was euthanasia. In that moment, I silently thanked my lucky stars for Julian's personality. He was the type who would never press for details as long as I gave him an explanation. He took his luggage and walked toward the boarding gate. His figure grew smaller and smaller in my sight until he was almost gone. I couldn't stop myself from rushing after him. Through the clear glass partition, I asked Julian. "Is there anything you want to tell me?" He froze for a few seconds. "What do you want to hear?" I waved my hand weakly, forcing a smile. "Nothing. I'll miss you.""Good luck with the tournament." Julian looked at me a little longer than usual, his expression puzzled, but his tone was as flat as ever. "Ava, you're acting a little strange today." My fingertips dug deep into my palm. I didn't answer. This was very likely the last time I would ever see Julian. But I said nothing, and I heard nothing. I replied to my doctor's message. [I've made my decision. Euthanasia.] I set the date for the day of Julian's final match.

Chapter 2 Chapter 2

The International Chess Championship ran from November through the end of December. On the day I signed the euthanasia consent form, the television was broadcasting a live charity event Julian was attending. He was the guest of honor at the "Chess in Education Fund" gala, the most celebrated North American chess player. The host was asking him about the upcoming tournament. "Julian, do you think you can win the championship?" Just as Julian was about to push the microphone away, a woman beside him elegantly took over the conversation. It was Julian's protégé, Chloe. She was highly respected in the international chess community. The media called her the "Queen of Chess," and she and Julian were widely seen as the golden couple. "Let me answer that." There were very few people Julian trusted enough to let them take the lead. Chloe was definitely one of them. Julian looked at her gratefully as she handled the media. "Julian never discusses tournament pressure in public," Chloe said, her hand gently stroking his arm. The faint dimples on her cheeks were captivating. If I had interrupted like that, Julian would have shut me down on the spot. But the man on the screen simply nodded in agreement, a soft look on his face, and whispered, "Thank you." I don't remember much of the charity auction that followed. I only remember that at the end, the host asked Julian a very personal question. "Life is full of difficult choices. I'm curious, has our grandmaster ever faced a truly difficult one himself?" Chloe stood by his side, waiting for him. Julian kept glancing over at her. His gaze was deep and focused. The venue was noisy, and I could barely hear his final answer. I only caught a fragment of it. "Sometimes you have to make choices you don't want to, for reasons beyond your control." I hated myself for hearing that sentence. I was already dying, yet I still cared about all this nonsense related to Julian. After ten years by his side, every little thing about him still tore me apart inside. He was as impossible for me to figure out as his chess games. The truth is, I've been insecure ever since I met Julian as a teenager. My love was too intense, and I expected him to love me just as fiercely in return. But Julian was like a block of ice that could never be warmed. The worst part was, I was willing to drown in his coldness. Once, I pestered him endlessly to take me to an after-party on Manhattan's Upper East Side. It was in that high-end bar that I first met Chloe. A group of young elites, whiskey and champagne, made for a lively atmosphere. Those kinds of people loved to tell the truth under the influence of alcohol. A guy who had just earned his master title held up a martini glass and challenged him. "Julian, buddy, you really don't feel anything for that blonde bombshell?""Your girlfriend is right here. Perfect chance for her to hear what's on your mind.""Come on, give us an honest answer." Julian had had too much tequila, and the pupils behind his glasses were dilated from the alcohol. He slowly turned to me, his voice hoarse with intoxication. "Thoughts? On her?" he smirked, "I don't need to explain anything to her. She knows that as long as she's around, I can focus on chess." My heart, which had been in my throat, finally settled. Later, I drove Julian back to the apartment. I watched him rush straight to the study and frantically search through all the unsolved puzzles in chess history. He locked himself in there for two days, not eating or drinking, and only recovered his strength after an intravenous glucose drip. His face was as pale as paper. He said to me weakly, "Ava, I can't solve it.""These puzzles… they represent centuries of chess genius that my family expects me to surpass. Each one I solve brings me closer to their approval, but the ones I can't… they haunt me." I understood what he meant. But I was twenty-two that year, still at an age where I naively believed he truly loved me. I said, "It's okay, Julian.""I'm not pressuring you, and I don't want you to pressure yourself.""Clichéd promises don't matter. It's enough that you know I love you." He nodded but didn't look at me. From then on, we both had a tacit understanding never to bring up the subject again. I watched Julian's career soar on the international stage, rising from Master to Grandmaster. Every time he brought home a major award, he would say to me, "Ava, I'm one step closer to completing my career goals.""Once I've won the Grand Slam, I'll give you everything you want.""Just be patient." So later, whenever someone jokingly asked when Julian and I were getting married, I would calmly reply, "We'll talk about it after his tournaments are over." But this time, with the live news coverage report, I didn't expect there to be a segment about me. Julian and Chloe had just left the training center when they were stopped by a reporter. The reporter started a live stream on his phone. In the shot, Julian tried to leave quickly. Chloe gently touched his arm, signaling for him to maintain his public image. "Julian! Can we talk for a minute? About something other than the upcoming tournament.""The fans are very concerned about your personal life." The reporter pressed on. "How is your girlfriend, Ava, doing lately?" Julian, holding a freshly ordered black coffee, frowned slightly, as if thinking about something. Then he said in a low voice, "She's been a lot quieter lately.""Maybe the pressure is getting to her." Since my diagnosis, I spoke less and less, my energy fading. If he truly cared, he would have noticed the deep hollows under my eyes. But it wasn't pressure. It was because I was dying.

Chapter 3 Chapter 3

With Julian out of the house, I started to let loose in the apartment. I turned the stereo up to full volume and opened a bottle of red wine I had been hiding for a long time. Before, I never dared to be myself, always catering to Julian's preference for quiet. But now, in the little time I had left, I was going to enjoy my own life. Before heading to the hospice, I decided to organize this home I had lived in for ten years one last time. Julian's chess manuals and trophies took up most of the space. In the corner of the desk lay the half-written diary where I used to record our sweet moments together. Thinking about why it was abandoned, I gave a bitter smile. At the time, Julian was climbing the world rankings, training more than fifteen hours a day, leaving no time for me. Since I had nothing better to do, I started keeping a diary to preserve our memories, writing down every anniversary, every small gesture of affection. When I showed it to him, full of anticipation, secretly hoping he'd be touched by my efforts to commemorate our relationship. He just flipped through a few pages and pushed it away coldly. "Ava, I don't understand why you need to document every trivial moment.""This kind of sentimental ritual is just a waste of time that could be spent on something productive., like helping me organize my match recordings." I wanted to argue, to ask him why he would belittle me like that. But seeing the disdain in his eyes, I couldn't speak. After holding it in for a long time, a surge of jealousy I didn't know I had rose up in me, and I asked, "Would you say the same thing if Chloe had written it?" His voice grew even colder, like an arctic wind. "A game of intellect like chess is elegant and complex.""She wouldn't waste her time on something so childish." Yes, only I was so pathetic and childish. Thinking a love diary could move him. After that, I never picked up the pen again. So now, when my memory was failing me, I realized I had nothing left to help me remember more of the love we once shared. Besides that, there was a lot more I needed to deal with. The house was filled with traces of my life built around Julian. His tournament schedule was stuck to the refrigerator. His favorite Blue Mountain coffee beans sat on the coffee table. The bookshelf was neatly lined with all the chess magazines I had subscribed to for him. On the wall hung our only photo together, taken at an awards ceremony. In that photo, Julian was looking at the camera, and I was looking at him. Just like every single day for the past ten years. I started throwing these things away, one by one. The coffee beans went into the trash, the magazines into the recycling bin. I even tore that photo in half. I kept Julian's part and threw my own away. The closet in the bedroom needed to be reorganized. Most of my clothes were bought to suit Julian's occasions. An elegant little black dress, suitable for award ceremonies. A conservative suit, suitable for family gatherings. And the simple jeans I wore at home, always ready to be at his beck and call. Every piece of clothing told the story of how my life revolved around his. Chloe was completely different from me. She could discuss chess games with Julian, analyze strategies. She sat in the VIP section at every important match. The cameras always captured their intimate interactions. In moments like that, I even had to admit they were a perfect match. Intellectually matched, kindred spirits. That seemed more like a real partnership. After packing everything up, I dragged my suitcase to the door. I took one last look back, then headed for the hospital. As the car drove out of the complex, my phone started vibrating. It was Julian's agent, a man named Leo. [Ava, did you follow up on the Sports Illustrated interview for tomorrow?] A message from Julian followed. [Why is your phone off? My agent can't reach you.] I didn't know how to tell him that by the time he returned, I would no longer be in this world.

Chapter 4 Chapter 4

My finger hovered over the text box for a long time before I replied. [Did you forget? I'm at a health retreat.] [The signal is bad.] I thought he wouldn't press further. He was never interested in my whereabouts. But to my surprise, Julian pressed. [Which retreat? Where is it?] He was finally willing to give me a little attention away from the chessboard. But the car had already stopped at the hospital entrance. I didn't reply. The hospice care wing here was in a separate building behind the main hospital. Away from the chaos of the emergency room, it was as quiet as another world. A nurse helped me with the admission process. Her voice was gentle, as if she were afraid of disturbing something. "Ms. Ava, your room is on the third floor. It has a nice view of the garden.""Do you need me to notify any family?" I shook my head. "There's no family to notify." She nodded without asking any more questions. The nurses here were very professional, accustomed to all kinds of goodbyes. The room was cozier than I had imagined. Pale blue wallpaper, soft lighting. Outside the window, there was indeed a small garden, where a few cherry blossom trees were shedding their petals. I had just changed into a hospital gown when my phone rang again. A voicemail from Julian. "Ava, I just passed by that coffee shop we used to go to." His voice sounded relaxed, completely unaware of anything unusual. "They have a new barista. Chloe says the new lattes are much better.""She suggested we go try them when I get back." But I still keenly heard Chloe's bright laughter in the background. Even our shared memories now had a third person in them. I turned off the voicemail and put the phone aside. The night deepened, and the room was silent. Only the distant hum of machinery could be heard. I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. I thought of the countless nights like this over the past ten years. Julian in the study, researching chess games, while I lay in bed alone, waiting for him. Sometimes he wouldn't come to bed until dawn. I had long since grown used to being alone. I don't know how much time passed. I was drifting off to sleep when Julian's call came. The insistent ringing sounded especially harsh in the darkness. I answered and heard his commanding tone. "Ava, I need you to do me a favor.""Chloe is going to be home late because of her pre-match preparations.""I need you to go to her apartment right now and feed her cat." I was stunned for a few seconds. "Julian, I told you I'm not in New York.""Then go back," his voice grew cold. "This is an emergency. I can't have Chloe's performance affected by this." I thought of my severe allergy to cat fur. Every time I was exposed, it triggered asthma and hives. In my current physical condition, it could be fatal. "Julian, you know I'm allergic to cats…""An allergy?" he cut me off impatiently. "Ava, don't make a big deal out of nothing.""It's just feeding a cat. Can't you wear a mask?""This is to support my chess partner. Are you not even willing to do that much?" My voice grew weaker. "I really can't…""Can't what? Are you that busy?" Julian's voice suddenly rose. "Ava, for the last ten years, isn't the only thing you've cared about getting me to marry you?""And now that I ask you to do something productive, you make excuses?""How selfish can you be?" I heard Chloe's voice in the background. "Julian, don't be like that with Ava…" I leaned back against the hospital bed, listening to his accusations. Tears of frustration streamed down my face. For ten years, it was true that I had no life of my own, no career, no friends. He was the entire center of my world. But now, in one of the few moments I truly needed to think of myself, he finally said what was on his mind. In his eyes, I was just a selfish, dramatic woman. A burden who did nothing but chase a ring. I wiped away a tear and let out a short, bitter laugh. "You're right, Julian.""I'm very busy.""I'm busy dying."