Two weeks into the new semester and I'd already seen him more than I had in the past two years combined.

It was always fleeting. A glimpse of him in the elevator of our shared dorm building, the corner of his jaw sharp beneath the flicker of overhead lights. A few desks away in class—close, but never quite close enough. Just near enough that I could feel the heat rise beneath my collar, a quiet thrum in my chest like the roll of distant thunder.

I knew it was stupid. Childish. That younger version of myself, all open want and clumsy hope, scratched at the inside of my ribcage like it was trying to climb out.

But I never said anything. Never reached out. I couldn't. I was scared. Of what, exactly, I wasn't even sure anymore. Maybe it was the simple fact that we weren't those boys anymore. We'd grown. We had changed. What had once been effortless between us was now choked by silence, stretched thin over years of barely looking, barely speaking, barely risking.

So I watched. From afar. Always from afar.

Still, when he mentioned a gig to me in passing, I couldn't stop myself from showing up.

I told myself it was curiosity. Just something to do on a slow night. But the second I stepped through the rec center doors and into the press of the crowd, I knew I was lying.

It was packed. Ridiculously so. The place couldn't have held more than two hundred and fifty people, and yet it felt like it was bursting at the seams. I stood there, shoulder-to-shoulder with strangers, irritated by the sticky warmth of bodies and the low murmur of conversation that buzzed like static.

I shifted restlessly, but didn't leave. My spot was calculated: somewhere in the middle, not too close to the front, not far enough to look disinterested. It gave me a perfect view of the stage.

A perfect view of him. Not that I was waiting. Not that I was looking.

The lights dimmed. The hum of conversation softened into a collective inhale. And then came the music. The crowd cheered. Broken Circuits walked onstage.

And me? I forgot how to breathe.

My gaze found him instantly, like it had been magnetized. And once it landed, it didn't move. Couldn't. The room faded out, like someone had turned down the saturation on everything else.

Just grayscale static, and in the center of it all, him in a sleeveless black shirt, a soft sheen of sweat already blooming at his collarbones. The lights above the stage cut shadows across the bridge of his nose, caught on the edge of his jaw, made the gold in his eyes burn molten when he glanced toward the crowd.

I was struck dumb. Utterly leveled. My stomach twisted with something hot and sick and electric, and all I could think was: I used to know the shape of your laugh.

I tried to focus. On the music. On the lyrics. On the way the crowd moved and swayed and shouted along. But my eyes had other plans. They clung to him like vines, like gravity, like sin. I traced the path of his fingers along the edge of his drum kit, the muscles that flexed beneath his skin as he played.

I catalogued every twitch of his expression, every flick of his tongue when he got particularly into it. I watched his lips move, and felt a wild kind of jealousy rise in my throat—jealousy of the air, of the drumsticks, of the fucking shirt clinging to his back.

I wanted to be the stage lights. I wanted to be the beat reverberating in his chest. I wanted to be the goddamn drumsticks, worn smooth from being held. I wanted to be allowed again.

Then came the solo.

He leaned into the drums like they were alive, every movement fluid and deliberate, a perfect storm of rhythm and control. Sweat dripped down his neck and I thought, pathetically so, that I'd burn every page of my future just to be that drop of sweat. Just to feel the path it took against that skin. I bit the inside of my cheek until I tasted blood.

Time went strange after that. Hours. Or seconds. The gig blurred into a fever dream of sound and color and heartbeat, and when it finally ended, I blinked like I was waking up from something.

I was slow to look away. Slow enough to make eye contact with him.

Just for a moment. But long enough to ignite something dangerous in my chest. I almost turned away. Almost shrank back into the crowd, ready to disappear.

But before I could, he tilted his head and lifted his hand. Just a small motion, a flick of fingers that meant everything and nothing.

Backstage, I realized where his fingers were pointing.

My heart jumped to my throat.

I shouldn't. I couldn't. It wasn't my place anymore. But my feet moved before I made a choice, carving a path through the crush of people, past laughter and bodies and discarded drink cups. I meant to go to the exit. Truly. But the door to the room the band had been using as 'backstage' swung open, and somehow I was stepping through it.

The room was warm, dimly lit, filled with the low buzz of lingering sound equipment. I stood there, tense, awkward, unsure if I belonged. One minute passed. Then another.

I thought of leaving. I even turned toward the door.

But then I heard the footsteps and I froze in my spot. I didn't know what to do. What to say. My body felt wrong—too big, too vulnerable, like I was wearing someone else's skin.

I looked up and there he was, brushing sweat-damp hair back from his face. My gaze followed the motion, slow and reverent, then dropped to the curl of fingers, the gleam of a drumstick still twirling idly in the other hand. I swallowed hard, eyes catching next on the slick shine of his lower lip as he licked over it, as he bared the edge of his teeth in a grin that felt like sunlight and warning all at once.

My heart tripped. I barely managed to speak. My voice came out quiet, tight, too rough. I was mostly glad it didn't crack. "You, uh... you killed it."