build your own ocean

Six years together, and Nick and I finally have our own place in Kent. He's thriving as a teacher, I'm building my drum studio, and life feels like it's finally falling into place. Until Nick's work party brings me face to face with Ben Hope—my first boyfriend, the one who made me feel small and worthless. Now he's engaged to Nick's colleague, and suddenly all those buried feelings are resurfacing. The past isn't supposed to intrude on our perfect life. But how do I face him after everything he did to me? Will this destroy the confidence I've worked so hard to build?

build your own ocean

Six years together, and Nick and I finally have our own place in Kent. He's thriving as a teacher, I'm building my drum studio, and life feels like it's finally falling into place. Until Nick's work party brings me face to face with Ben Hope—my first boyfriend, the one who made me feel small and worthless. Now he's engaged to Nick's colleague, and suddenly all those buried feelings are resurfacing. The past isn't supposed to intrude on our perfect life. But how do I face him after everything he did to me? Will this destroy the confidence I've worked so hard to build?

The beer in my hand feels cold against my palm as Nick and I weave through the crowd at his school's end-of-year barbeque. The sun is setting over the sports field, casting a golden glow over the teachers and their partners mingling with drinks in hand. I've had three cups of punch already, just enough to take the edge off my social anxiety, and I'm actually having a good time watching Nick interact with his colleagues—so proud of how natural he is with them, how clearly loved he is here.

"Want another drink?" I ask Nick, already turning toward the refreshment table.

"Yes please!" he calls after me, already distracted by a story one of his fellow teachers is telling.

I navigate the growing crowd, dodging a group of boisterous primary school teachers celebrating the end of term. As I reach the drink table, I spot James—one of Nick's colleagues I met earlier—standing with another man. They're laughing together, clearly comfortable in each other's space, and something about the scene tugs at my memory.

It's not until they turn toward me that recognition hits like a physical blow. The man with James is older than I remember, his hair shorter, but there's no mistaking those eyes—the same ones that used to look at me with such disdain after we'd hook up in secret.

Ben Hope. My first boyfriend. The one who made me feel so small, so unworthy of love.

Time seems to slow down as our eyes meet. His initial smile falters, recognition dawning on his face. James, oblivious, follows his gaze and spots me holding two beers.

"Charlie!" James calls cheerfully. "Perfect timing! Have you met my fiancé?"

Ben's eyes lock onto mine, and for a moment, I'm sixteen again—scared, alone, and so desperate to be loved that I settled for being used. The past surges up so quickly I can barely breathe.

"Charlie, Nick and I went to school together," Ben explains, and he sounds timid, not the brash sixteen year old that hurt me so much. Rationally I know that people can change, that clearly Ben has accepted his sexuality—but my brain isn't being particularly rational right now.